I’m cleaning out some files and I just discovered the following, which are notes I made, in order, on Twitter during an “All day Meeting” scheduled from 8:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. for the day of April 12, 2011 at my now ex-job. 

Please, do enjoy. 

  • Walking into a meeting literally scheduled from 7 minutes from now until 5 o’clock. Wish me luck.
  • Powerpoint has the term “A MARKETING PARTNERSHIP.” – Yes, in quotes. So I fully expect them to turn on us. Way to tip your hand, “partners.”
  • 13 minutes in and I have deftly avoided taking 2 business cards. I’m frantically scanning the room for tools to murder myself
  • Oh good, my best friend ever, who is late by the way, and in no way my best friend, took the last seat available! Beside me!    
  • Dear god this is more brutal than Dethklok could ever be.
  • I’m looking around and almost no one else looks like they’re dying inside except for Sally(fake name) who was pretty good at feigning interest for the first few minutes. Respect. 
  • I want to know how some of these people don’t regularly put a gun in their mouth in the mornings. Also someone said “synergy.” Take a shot if you’re playing the at-home game of Corporate Lingo Alcoholic.
  • LAME JOKES + HAHAHA NERVOUS LOUD MEETING LAUGHING. That’s not incredibly awkward or anything.
  • The clock say 10:11 but my internal clock is assuring me that I have literally been here for weeks. 
  • COST ANALYSIS RATIOS AVERAGE GIFTS SATURATE THE MARKET HOLISTIC NEW AGE LISTS SEGMENT TEST VOLUME CORE LIST DEMOGRAPHIC 
  • I have decided that my job has received my services for free this year and that my whole salary is earned by being at this.
  • 15 minute break – quick! Help me cone up with an illness to fake!   I may have to play the three word card that can get you out of anything. Say it with me, folks! I. HAVE. DIARRHEA!
  • I’m glad I realized this guy at our all day meeting had a insulin pump because I was about to start making jokes about him being the Beeper King.
  • Lunch supposedly is at noon. That’s 46 minutes away. Which in all day meeting time is akin to 9 months 14 days. You could have a meeting baby with someone you met in this very meeting. We’ll look back on this like we served in Vietnam together.
  • This meeting is what I imagine scientists or accountants talk about before Ogre kicks in the door and screams NERRRRRRRRDS!!!!
  • Regarding Christian demographics “we haven’t penetrated that market.” Well, of course you haven’t, Sunshine. True Love Waits!
  • This lady presenting has an extremely sunburnt face and I want to believe it’s from projector glow. She’s had her share of all day meetings.
  • This lady presenting has the same problem as the Will Ferrell SNL character who can’t control the loudness of their voice. HUSH LITTLE BABY, GO TO SLEEP.
  • This would be a good point in the all day meeting for a long squealer of a fart. Just saying. No one? Do i have to do everything?
  • I wish they would hire one guy here who just makes sure the air conditioner always works and if it stops working then we get to beat him.
  • At this point I would take a pay cut if i never had to go to a meeting again. I’m not kidding.
  • Someone literally just said our strategy was to “make the most money we can.” Man, I think they’re onto something. He should be a professional business man. 
  • This one guy is drinking catered Tropicana cranberry juice out of a champagne flute instead of the bottle. He’s so fancy.
  • Just asked a question regarding budgets for marketing “Are we going to be taking a metrics based approach or the carnie way of yelling and getting noticed?” and earned five dollars from my friend Sara Cottrell for working the word “carnies” into a question.
  • Baked potatoes and salad for lunch? Man even the all day meeting lunch sucks.
  • Have officially bailed from the all day meeting citing “deadlines.” I just couldn’t do it, gang. 
  • 8:30 a.m. to 12:47 p.m. was how long I lasted. I already hit “decline” on my Outlook calendar invitiation to tomorrow’s meeting. They’ll be fine without me.